Memoirs of a Loved One...

In the years before becoming an Airman, I had two significant losses in my life that were intense and affected me heavily. My uncle Jon passed away at thirty when I was ten, and my best friend James took his own life when we were both eighteen. When they had passed, it was bleak and showed me death intimately and has taken me several years to look past and get over. Still, when I was able to look past it and finally come to grips with their passing away, I was able to take away some lessons, and when I apply these lessons, it helps me better remember them.

My uncle Jon was a blast to be around, be it hanging out with him and the family at larger dinner parties and bonfires or when he and my aunt watched me when I was younger. He believed in stress-free at all times and advocated taking life slow and enjoying every moment you could. If life got to going far too quick, he wasn’t afraid to slow it down and enjoy that time while he could. Jon was also an avid motorbike builder and restorative project enthusiast. Both Jon and his father had built and restored several bikes, but his work was a passion of love. This bike project took him upwards of three years; when he had finished rebuilding it, Jon and his father had gone out for a test ride. Unbeknownst to them, there was a recall on the front-end parts he had installed earlier. When he sped up to test how well the repairs had gone, the front wheel went into a death wobble that he could not recover from.

On that day, his life was drawn to an unfortunate close. At the time, I was too young to grasp what his passing had appropriately meant, and when it had finally hit, it was real, and death was a permanent end. I was dumbfounded and confused, but when I could look back at the memories that he had left behind. I started to realize to a much greater degree the fuller extent to which he could live, taking life slow and enjoying himself. Now, whenever I get the chance to take things slow and enjoy the things in life that are often overlooked, I think back to my uncle. I’m so glad that he taught me to take things slower and enjoy life. His passing affected me to a diluted point due to my young age until a few years later, when I was forced to see death more intimately.

Due to his grades and failing to take school seriously, he was on a one-way ticket to being a bum who wasted his entire school years.

At the age of eighteen, my best friend James took his own life. There were no good mental health clinics where we grew up. So, whenever somebody would go to one of these facilities, they had a grotesquely high fail rate, mostly sending people back who were far worse for wear. To combat any more people going to these facilities, we had formed an extremely tight-knit support group. We were starting the first year of school when we had seen multiple cases of people coming back worse off. Unfortunately, causing him to hide his depression with a façade, and it only grew worse from under-equipped "guidance" councilors. Who had verbatim told him that “due to his grades and failing to take school seriously, he was on a one-way ticket to being a bum who wasted his entire school years” and “hadn’t come out the other side with a traditionally accepted career or college.” They were not looking at the fact that he had different paths open to him under “non-traditional” career paths and not pushing any of those options. Furthermore, they chose to browbeat him into schoolhouse submission without giving any other options.

For two years, he had been strung along, lied to, and mentally abused by a woman he had thought a permanent fixture in his life who decided she wasn’t interested in something serious. So, when she was finished breaking him mentally and emotionally, she paraded her new man in front of him. Knowing full well that she had cheated on them both with each other, growing the already festering sporophyte of depression. A few weeks later, when I was in town that evening, I spontaneously decided that I should see him. That night, while we sat there and talked, James had confided in me that he had attempted to take his own life on multiple occasions. At that moment, I had a lapse in judgment and had assumed when he had confided in me that he was over the proverbial hump. However, it was more akin to reaching out a hand in need at that moment. A few months later, I was in town again about to head home when I had a heavy gnawing feeling in the back of my head to see him again. But despite that feeling, I went home assured I’ll see him tomorrow, so I went to sleep.

The following day in school, I glanced across our classroom to see an empty desk. Not thirty seconds later, I heard the girl next to me say, "...yeah, some kid named James killed himself last night," and at that moment, I got a text from his mom saying if I needed anything, she would be there. Before class could even begin, I got up, bolted out of class, raced to their home in disbelief, and hoped it was the wrong person. Still, when I had arrived, his father opened the door, knowing I had pulled up and had held me letting me know his son, my best friend, had taken his life the night prior. In the days, weeks, months, and now years after his passing, I couldn't move past the thought that I had failed him by not being impulsive enough or not intuitive enough. It made me see the shortcoming of missing the need for help that he asked for that night when he had confided in me. In his passing, I’ve learned to be more instinct-driven, look better when people need help, and see the signs of needing help.

I would be remiss not to say that any passing of a loved one or a close friend can be hard to cope with, let alone look into it and take a lesson from their death. Sometimes there won't be anything to take away from a close person passing away, and that’s ok. If we are struggling with loss or mental health, there are always support groups, friends, family, or professionals who can help—assisting us and making sure that we are mentally and well equipped to handle the situations that can arise from mental health and loss. When we are able to, we do look back on those memories with our loved ones.

It is often a challenge to recollect them just by thinking about them, so the best way to remember them, I’ve found, is by placing events that occurred with them. Ones with deep ties, picturing in great detail, helps you to remember them better. For me, the best way to drawback memories of my uncle Jon and my best friend James is to apply those lessons he taught me. To be still and slow down to take in life. Be instinctive, make better choices based on instinct, and take in aspects of life most continually would miss out on. Finally, to identify warning signs from those around me reaching out as a family, friend, or simply as a fellow human being.